Our days are not always filled with gentle sunshine and singing and laughter, just in case you were wondering.
Sometimes we set out to try a new recipe and end up arguing over who gets to stand where, who gets to choose the song, for heaven's sake, who will crack the eggs first?
Sometimes we look forward to an afternoon of riding bikes and gardening only to be distracted every thirty seconds by the non-sharing of said bikes and the stepping on the flowers and, for heaven's sake, will somebody get the littlest out of the street?
Sometimes our much-anticipated walk with our very dear friends turns into a competition to get Mama's attention; requesting, no, demanding, crackers that were already eaten, whining about someone looking at you, crying to be held so Mama has to push the behemoth of a (much-beloved) stroller one-handed, complaining about not stopping at the park, etc.
There have been times I have been so weary, so frustrated, so lonely for my hardworking coaching husband who, six months out of the year (water polo season) is not fully available for either moral or parental support, that I want to scream at the very top of my lungs "LEAVE ME ALONE!" to anyone or anything that asks something of me.
One time, when Lulu Belle was an infant, and Noah was at practice, Alex asked me over and over and over to fix an unfixable truck. If it hadn't already been a very long day, or I wasn't trying (very hard, but unsuccessfully) to get Lucy to sleep, I wouldn't have done it. But it had, and I was. So I took that darned green dump truck, and with all of my pent-up anger and frustration, I hurled that thing at the wall. Away from the kids, but still. Noah came home less than five minutes later to three bawling children and one nearly hysterical wife, and Alexander bo-Bander said it best when he tearfully explained "Mama threw my truck hard hard HARD!!!!"
Sometimes I want to shout "LISTEN to me, goddammit!!!" And if you know me, you know how utterly shocking that would be coming from my mouth.
And still.
These moments, while very real and unsettling and rare, when I want to lock myself in my bathroom and pretend nothing else exists for a few minutes, always give way to the most intense need to gather my four great loves close and hold them.
Not to talk or even look, just a desire, no, a need, to hold each other so close that it is impossible to tell where each of us ends and the others begin.
Because even after those days, the ones with no naps and irritation, yelling and crying and pleading and that feeling of utter defeat, I tuck them into bed and after a sigh of relief and a promise of maybe an hour of free time, I miss them.
With the same intensity with which I threw that darned dump truck an hour before.
No, it isn't always rosy.
But it is exactly where I want to be.